Friendship

There is a topic that seems to keep coming up again and again that I wish I could figure out, and that is adult friendship, particularly female (since I am one). Friendship doesn’t come as easily as it did when we were kids, or teenagers. Why is that?

I told my friends Julie and Garreth one day that I didn’t really have any friends, just ‘close acquaintances’ and they were hurt by that, which was not my intention. They said “We’re your friends.” To which I said, “If I called you up and asked if you wanted to go to lunch or to see a movie would you go?” They said, “If I had the time I would.” We run into each other at school and talk as long as we’re able to, and send funny emails to each other, or they send me job notices trying to help me find a job. Otherwise days, weeks, months go by and nothing.

Someone wrote to Dear Abby the other day about the same issue. She said she was “desperately lonely for female friendship” and that “no one every truly ‘connected’ beyond the surface level.” I read this and thought EXACTLY! She said that during a conversation with a colleague who asked her philosophically, “What do you really need in your life,” she burst into tears and answered, “I need a friend!” They went on to become great friends that could turn to each other for emotional support, etc.

My friend Lisa wrote in her blog the other day that she misses the friends she had growing up. That even though she has made other friends it is not the same. After reading this, I knew how Julie and Garreth felt, it hurt. So what is the answer? Why is it so hard to make friends when we get older? Although frankly, I think that’s relative, as the friends I had growing up are not, for the most part, the ones I want to have now.

So why is it so hard to find friends? Is it because people are all so busy with their lives that they don’t have time for anyone else? Do people get so set in their ways that they can’t accommodate anyone else? What is it? Is there something wrong with me? I try to make dates to meet with people, but usually they don’t even have time for lunch let alone a long get together to ‘catch up’ or whatever. Between jobs, school, family, etc, is there just no time for friends? Is that one of the reasons the old friends are so attractive to Lisa? Because when they were growing up they had lots of time for each other? I don’t know the answer.

When I was taking classes at VCC, I called the friends I made in class, “term friends” because a lot of the time I would have one class with someone and never see them again. But, I would make friends with them for the term because I LIKE PEOPLE and don’t want to just go by in life without friends. When I started working on my bachelors in Environmental Studies at Rollins, I made friends like Julie and Garreth who were in my program and that I took a lot of classes with. But, once they graduate, will I ever see or hear from them again? I don’t see or hear from them now as much as I did before I graduated from the program, but at least I’m still at the same college.

Now that I’m in the MLS program I will be with the same group of people for 3 years. I’m definitely closer to some than others, but will these friendships pass the test of time? Will we still be friends after graduation? I hope so, but I’m not sure now that if I called one of them up and said I just needed someone to talk to, that they would have the time or inclination to help me.

I wonder sometimes if age has anything to do with it. Age isn’t particularly important to me and never has been, but maybe for some people it is. Not too many of my friends are my age, in fact the people in my MLS class are mostly 15-25 years younger than me. They are closer to the ages of my daughters than to mine. Is this a problem for them? I don’t know. Julie, Garreth, and Lisa are all younger too, but not by as many years.

Maybe some day I just need to burst into tears and yell “I need a friend” and see if anyone answers. Well…maybe not. :)